Yep, I'm still alive!

Ok, I'm completely aware of the fact that's been a long time since my last blog. A few times I've actually written something, but nothing could capture the feelings that I've been experiencing in this country, this rollercoaster ride that has been going as soon as I entered Central America. Every 'little easy' thing is suddenly not so little and easy anymore. Taking the bus is suddenly all exciting. I honestly felt proud of myself when I made it by bus to a place an hour away from here, Tela. 'Just' going to the store isn't happening. 'Just' having a coversation means thinking about every single word and be tired after 10 minutes of hands-and-feet-and-'uhm'-work. Yeah, things have not been very easy for me lately, but I stayed put. I struggled my way through this rollercoasted that has a surprise for me every day. But after 3 months I'm starting to understand how things work and how they work for me. The 'easy' things are actually starting to feel easy. Finally.

Not only has the whole culture shock given me some ride in a crazy rollercoaster, also the voluntary work. The kids. The colleagues. In just two months those kids have learned me a lot, starting with acceptance. I had to accept things go different around here and that I hád to adjust. They had to accept I'm foreign and my spanish isn't as fluent as theirs though. And that I honestly don't understand them all the time. Then, when I had to leave Honduras because my visa was running out, things were changing. Trust started to grow, I felt it. They noticed I kept coming back, even though all their bullying to test me out. I didn't wanted to leave, I was so afraid that things would be back to the beginning after I came back and that the whole trust-thing could start over again. Trust is such a valuable thing that is so easily broken. Especially for those kids, which have been sent on the streets and have felt there how it is to be alone at such a young age already, have been forgotten, and most of them have already seen terrible things before the age of 15. I can't blame them, they need to test me out before trusting me. Trust is everything in this work. So I went to Belize for a week, already missing the kids, but afraid how they would react to my return, too. So when I went back, I noticed things were different, in a good way though. They were surprised I came back, that I had kept my promise. Even though they wouldn't admit it (because that is so not cool), they were happy to see me again. I didn't leave them like so many people did. I just can't stop saying how precious trust is. It's what keeps family and friends together, even when you're far away from each other. Trust is what makes you feel safe in a place. Nothing more important than feeling safe.

I've been thinking from day one I had to do a lot to make myself usefull. I had to teach drama, english and whatever else was possible, but nothing is more untrue. I'm here to just be here, to give those kids a little bit more love. To let them know they're beautiful and that they do deserve to have a good and stable life. To just let them talk, give them a hug, let them feel like a kid again and let them forget all the horror in this country. Just being here is enough. So interesting how those things work.
Acceptance. Trust. Love.